Life is easy when you won’t allow your passion or creativity to take hold of you with not safe set secure goal in mind. It’s that march straight into the wilderness that is too be feared lest one become lost for years and return unchanged in a world that demands another persona ten years on. This charade of primes and secondaries, all pabulum for the masses.
There was an uneasiness that was building within him as it always did whenever there was a hint of confrontation ahead. An edgy high tension that when recognized world not be appeased as if one beset by same expected the sharp caress of a lash upon one’s bare back.
“When had this first become an institutional response within his emotional backdrop?”, he wondered.
There seem to be no form of useful parley with the tumult that it inspired within. A feeling of time running out before he would be dragged before the block and the executioner’s blade. The only convenient way out being total supplication before one’s aggressors. Total surrender, no matter how unfair or outrageous. The penalty for defying compliance being unforgiving and final. Complete emotional starvation.
There was no use putting up a struggle as he knew that it was a battle that was already fought and lost before the first blow. All subsequent attempts at defense had resulted in irrevocable losses that presented a chorus of destructive events that clouded his appreciation of himself as anything beyond failure or fuck-up. It was the mistakes that he feared. The mistakes that were made by him on his own behalf where he avoided to intimacy of the moment because he would not allow himself to win by any means possible was a defeat of his principles.
He was a man fully equipped but unwilling to act because he had not been given the divine permission to demonstrate his genius to the rest of the world. In this he embodied the perfect slave who though more competent or much physically adroit than his owner will not lift a finger until commanded. His owner being no single human entity but the temporal whims of society itself. Or perhaps, just perhaps the voice of his ultimate creator lured into the trap of demonstrably revealing himself to the man and by that act allowing the man to humble the God by exposing the deities’ impotence to be able to motivate him through anything but an action of his own. It was Mohammed attempting to command the mountain by his insolence and apathy.
The irony of heaven’s power on earth being that the society around the man that sought his unthinking compliance would have to bend ultimately to the compliant ignorance of universal truth that the man knew that he was inspired from within. It was not a sign of inherent vainglorious arrogance on the man’s part to obsessively ponder his own level of transgression against same every minute of the day and assume that the rest of the world of humankind should be required to to do so as well. Both the man’s sense of arrogance and the corresponding notion of resultant compassion that ultimately ended the equation in every case applied equally to him. He never could forget that he was no better of no worse than anyone else on earth in this respect. He was a man who if asked to go to church would arrive with the desire for sharing great exaltation with the universe and not default to the political necessity of the expectation of forgiveness. One might have said that in this he was not human but an alien species unable to completely understand the circular logic of mankind occasioned by the inevitable confusion of emotion and intellect.
Society had provided him with nothing but exhaustion wrought by the constant inference of unreachable demands. One’s time was the most precious gift and it was gobbled insatiably by the multi-horned flabby monster of the overbearing near proximity of the surrounding society. Anonymity seemed to be the only independent mechanism for relief but it was wholly insubstantial to the task of providing nutrition for the soul. The continued close proximity to the rest of humankind resulting in a sunburn or skin rash as if scorched in some particularly unsubtle way by a demand for love and respect when there was no evidence of the least inkling of justifiable worthiness apparent. A sense of defiance in answer to the constant level of programmed mass hysteria for the purpose of spreading socially adjusting crisis and the underlying malaise of media fear mongering. He did not hate other people but merely the effect that their universal surrender to the great beast of power and greed proclaimed in their behalf.