I caught something? Of so it seemed. It hurt to see. And as seeing was one of my compulsive activities. And at this age. I had to wonder? I came into being without much worry as to where I had come from? No great amount of thought in infancy as to my beginnings. jut satisfied to be where I was at that time. The progression of manifestations of changing personality in-between then and now like sacks of concrete dumped in the rain. Its accretion leaving a haphazard individual in a manner that I suppose differed little from most. But differences there were in many unorthodox aspects. The older I got the harder it was to say that I was the same as others. For all the assay of one fault or another one thing remained constant. That unwillingness to surrender myself fully to others. One by one they dropped away as their demands were not met. Had I been born two decades ate I would have been institutionally riddled with Ritalin. The incessant need for frequent activity of one sort or another seeming a method to dodge the burden of thoughts building within. Initially insecure with myself, I became used to the fact that others that came into my life demanded an interchange of some sort. Perhaps I was an emotional volcano? Something that seethed with unexpressed passions that could never find fulfillment until they spilled over into the exterior. I had a desire to be naked and connect with something wild and inexplicable. I did not like to be told but had to be assure that I could find out myself rather than take things based only on authority. Then there was an awakening tot he fact that no matter how much work I devoted to the exterior, no one else would ever be aware of what sort of person that the superficial increasingly ungainly animal held within.
As of late it seems safe to say that there is a duality of existence. How or why this has come to pass is perhaps a matter of unending debate insoluble in this world. It seems that the material aspects to one’s appreciation of all that he encounters is in so many ways bestial. The notion of unity defeated by divergent needs played out between physical necessity and the errant nature of cognition manically rearranging the storehouse of previous experiences so as to establish a sense of coherence and consistent direction. This duality a constant theme throughout within the reflection of the outside world of the fact of being its plaything demanding acknowledgement of certain hard core beliefs. The was always a sense of tension in the tightrope that was strung between the future and the past. That was the realm of existence that all delicately tread. One was compelled to walk ever forward into chaos or attempt to retrace their steps backwards into the past. Tread to fast forward and you could outdistance the surety of who who were as far as the rest of the mass of other humans was concerned. Of alternately slow to a crawl and be trampled by them vaulting past. The kernel of philosophical verity in the ravings of the 19th century German assassin sent out over a hundred years past to demolish the notion of a God. There would be no mutuality of communal comfort after that! When you were dead that was it. And too many paid the price as they were bulldozed over by the new instigators of modern wisdom’s. Now I live in solitude as I suppose do many others. Their machine is well oiled and adept at proceeding forth without much thought to the contrary in terms of conundrums? My own meanderings forth seem impeded by ever changing craters devoid of the useful fiction of a supervening atmosphere of rote consensus to burn up criticisms by the natural state of implicit friction.
There are unseen demons that reach out from limbo to entrap the unwary and use them as a gangplank to this dimension such as it is. You know them perfectly well as they throw there might about attempting to bully their way into your life through abject fear. But without the threat of physical extinction as a non-negotiable issue, there is no ascendancy of power over you. When you realize that mortal death is truly unavoidable you accept it. Pain and surrender to the diminishment of your worldly capabilities takes a secondary seat to the concern of what the amalgamation of mindless consenting humanity can do to you without any due consideration. The natural order of lifeforms such as they are has been overturned and interfered with. The level of this interference has become a daily experience that has increasing been crafted into something pernicious that seems Hell bent on universal enslavement. Evil is not some external anomaly of a separate opinion rather the semblance of the ever coordination of all players conscripted in the game towards a unilateral perspective. Get up at the same time to arrive at one’s daily task at the same precise hour to be a vessel of routine mind numbing exercises in superficial master servant based relationships that promise no lasting connection beyond the doling out of a barely serviceable existence. A something that one could probably do better for one’s self if all the living space was not put under title of supposed ownership of a few for the ruse of betterment by all. This obsessive game inferring a fantasy of phony Democracy that one day, “Every man a King!” and “Every woman his stunningly unique one of a kind consort!” Society in the urban sense a rift of mental sanity in the moral playground of eternal indebtedness. Is it not fundamentally Satanic to suggest that one owes their right to breath and think to others? These demons are implicit with the times.
I for one just want to be left in peace as this poor old horse that I ride within awkwardly sinks into the inevitable state of failing health. You are born and grow up and eventually wither away until there is no longer a connection with what you might have been to others. What you are to yourself having never stood still and continued to morph its way intuit he recesses of universal oblivion. Everything is an experience! All to be enjoyed but not to be taken along for the ride past the point of failed mortality. The oasis by the tiniest needle amazingly prolific in terms of the numbers of unaccompanied camels and a never diminishing haystack.