The workings of the civilized world of humankind are enigmatic to me. Much is taken for granted in terms of pronouncements that are made as if they were simply a common sense recitation of factual reality. In fact they have more resonance in an echo chamber within popular public discourse as far as what most are told or in their hearts wish to believe. But the reality at ground level suggests that the true mechanism of ruling humanity is something completely foreign to anyone’s understanding. Something hidden and not explicitly in view as most would assume to be the case. A key element of whatever the true system may or may not be found in the fact that popular consensus bed upon a long taught belief system is at the foundation of it.
I knew her from a time that seemed liked childhood. And from that time I felt that she belonged to me. Not like a possession mind you. But in a way that those fated to become man and wife eternal. Or perhaps if, as some people say, we had allays been so. So much time had we spent as youthful companions that it seemed even the forces of nature had by this impolitic accident of birth bound us so.But one day, when she had reached her eighteenth birthday I received the news that she was going away. “College?“, I said. “No.”, she replied, “I’m getting married.” I was dumbstruck. It had never dawned on me that her family having come from halfway round the world would hold on to their ancient custom of arranged marriage. Worse yet! They were true believers. All those funny looking emblems around the house about some guy named Mohammad suddenly clicked.
I came by one afternoon to find her preparing herself for a trip that she would never return from. I could hardly believe this was happening? “What are you going to do?“, I asked her as if I were someone who though they hadn’t been asked was ready to do all in my power to rescue her. She wasn’t at all moved as she sat in from of the mirror primping. Her hair was different now and she was wearing makeup the combined effect serving to make her look like some sort of doll that one might find at an asian variety store under cellophane. “I’m going to go away to be married!“, she said as she turned around to be with a completely emotionless expression. He sudden indifference hit me like a brick int he face. It was obvious from her demeanor that all my own inner leanings to grab her by the hand and lead her away to some undisclosed place of safety far away from anyone either of us knew was a pipe dream. My mouth seemed to form the word as my conscious mind remained dumbstruck. “Why?” Her facial expression never flinched as she related that it was more important to her to meet and marry this rich man who would secure her future in a higher style of luxury that she had ever known thus far than to entertain childish notions of Western love. Besides her parents had raised her up to be, “A good girl.”
That was the last time I saw her. I recall leaving the house that to me at least had seemed a second home. But now in my mind was erased as if it had suddenly burned down to the last stick of wood completely to the ground. The occupants who I had chosen to believe was a second family dead consumed to the ashes. I could not understand how I and all the years that I had shared had been so easily proffered for the material promise of financial security? And worse yet! How big a fool that I had been all my adolescent life for believing otherwise. Many years past and the flower of my young manhood was passed in solitude. Women had become a shallow dish that pretended to offer happiness. But in fact were illusory reflections of my own foolish fantasies. People raised in different ways from backgrounds could not be trusted to have the same implicit understandings of the world as my own. And so I drew away within keeping some small part of myself in reserve and accessible theoretically for my own kind. But the danger presented by the fickleness of women as a separate species of life form was ever lurking just outside my conscious mind.
I was living in a world run by spiders and the connubial practices of the preying mantis. Life for me was never the same again. Though I did not directly hate the unnamed perpetrators of the entombment of my own heart into cold limbo I did begin to revile their kind. If they had done this to me? Then what mischief were they capable of perpetrating against my own kind? I seemed to read about it in the papers more and more every day. The very country where the woman I once knew know anonymously resided was always threatening my own. An inner voice within commenting at how politics and personal feelings were now part of the same old ancient corollary of staying with your own for nothing else but simple survival. How foolish I had been to listen to my teachers growing up about a world that implicitly was of the same mind. Though humans all performed the same animal tasks, they were not the same. And as I had found out, would never be, The happy world of childhood cartoons where animals and everyday implements sang and danced in singular harmony was now as empty and cold as its adult equivalent. I had been lied to by them. This world did not exist.
It was many years later in middle age when through some unexpected happenstance of circumstances that I was told that my childhood sweetheart had left her husband in that far off land. Nothing else about her from that point on was ever available to tell. The many intervening years that stood between us from back then to the present accommodating several careers and my own solitary presence of mind. Friends had come and gone and the sands of time had erased the comfort of my own family. The world had eroded slowly almost incrementally to that little plateau of sand that only was able to support myself. My presence in public was just an act staged for strangers to keep them off the track of my own paucity of feelings and indifference of regard. I was a good actor. This empty palace of the mind was now set in stone. Immovable and immune to any shift in its view of the horizon across the moat of protective solitude. Humanity beyond it now simply another train from an ant colony passing distantly involved in their own enigmatic sense of continued being. The world outside of the glowing warmth of the Sun and it’s daily cycle and equally unfathomable enigma. The ability to change a human trait no longer.