There are a lot of questions that one is likely to ask in the course of their own lifetime. Most seem like they might expect a reasonable answer to point you in a reasonable direction. One’s that the answer to which will help you to avoid a few more questions that you are not ready or willing to be asked. Lonely questions that one would not think of volunteering save for the middle of the night when one is alone and cannot sleep. Tough questions like why did you decide you should count someone out. Someone that you thought you loved. That is until you realized that you didn’t. Maybe it took an off moment to realize it. And maybe it took several decades and a lifetime until it dawned upon you? You never loved her because you never find a way to love yourself to believe her. That made her a liar in your eyes. Someone who wanted something that you couldn’t afford to lose. That longstanding smokescreen that you were used to referring to as your own self-respect.
But now things were different. You stared at the light dancing occasionally upon the ceiling hour after hour. And now you fantasied that things were different. That they always had been different. But no one had bothered to tell you. If only someone would have just said the right word. Then things would have worked out the way they should have. That goddamn parking lot staggering home half blind toked out and inebriated feeling the full moon above the two of you weighing you down. She in a huff angry. Spooked more like at the mess you had gotten her into. Involved her in like it was simply nothing more than a wrong turn that meant nothing to you. But obviously, everything to her. And so you walked on in that empty parking lot miles apart with the distance between you ever widening. And when you finally reached your floor you knew that you were truly alone. And would never be with another that same way ever again.
So now you are an old man laying on the flat of his back no longer making any plans for a future. That empty blank ceiling above you like the lid of your coffin. And you just staring there forward seeing nothing but some other poor fool’s headlight reaching out in the lonely night as he or she travels past along a mostly deserted highway probably heading to that place that they called home. Something that you had always dreamed of but never seemed to find a way to. Too hard to make a life with another who could only be second best. You heard it said so many times over the intervening years that your first is alway the one that sticks in your mind. The one that you ran across that other parking lot at first as the sun died that fatal afternoon. The long lonely weekend when you returned format he news that someone that you had known had died young. Too young. And it hit you like a piano dropped from the second floor. The keys striking a minor tone as it hit the pavement with you under it. Things like that were not supposed to happen. They were too real for the young to have to know. But you knew!
So you went back down the road back to school to find the one that you knew you wanted. All the shyness and reserve now gone. Washed away by the silent river of tears that were shed upon the steering wheel of that car speeding back at dusk doing a hundred down the two-lane. You jumping out of the seat making a beeline for her room and catching that look on her face as she turned to see that your eyes were staring back only for her and her alone. A magnificent moment that one only dreams of in the movies but not in the perfidy of real life. That was the first and last time that you really gave yourself to someone else. Hook, line, body and soul! But now it is a vague impression that you tell yourself was real. It must have been! There couldn’t be all that broken glass back from this moment all the way back to that time when the two of you walked away from each other in the moonlight on that cold hard asphalt lit night. It would have taken so very little to have walked a little faster instead of playing the fool. Selfish man!