The holiday . . . another . . . ANY! The years simply pages of wet newsprint flying quickly past. But the holidays, one by one, are a dead stop of staring in the most available mirror handy for the day noodling where things last went awry. This one starting earlier than usual. Waiting, just waiting. But it becomes a habit after all. Something that gets in the way with the pursuit of a regular life. Sitting around trying not to think. Thinking is bad for the holiday spirit. The spirits seems to gather particularly around the past during these times. No sense of diversion strong enough by now to solve that. So what!
It’s not hard to hear yourself mouthing the brogue of some two bit B movie character who himself doesn’t exist save upon a flickering screen. They’re there but you’re here. They change, but you don’t. You’re stuck with the remainder. It makes life easier to forget that. Maybe a drink now and then? Spending more than you should have to regain a foothold on the past. All useless exercises. There is just the wait and the ritual behind it. Listening to yourself echoing inside. Waiting for someone to call that you haven’t heard from for a very long time. They don’t. But you still wait until you go to sleep. But only for a few hours or two.
It’s easy enough to think you’re a loser as you mouth the words that some poorly paid cheap little kike from Hollywood somehow knew that you wanted to say. You’re obvious and he knows it! You’re the schmuck and he’s not. You’ve been too well-schooled and you know all the lines from hundreds of other soapy tales. The minutes drag on and it’s an hour or two later. But the scenario remains the same. You’re here and that’s that. That’s that over the course of most of your life until you finally see beyond the thin tissue of illusion and realize how expert they all are in getting your goat.
There’s a funny thing about the two biological genders of mankind. Women when they complain not only expect a perfect world but they demand it becoming very incensed if their demands are not met. Men take the inevitable inequities into account and strive to explain them to others in terms of what is reasonably possible before indulging in perhaps a little bit more fantasizing of allowable perfection. But never expecting it! Men have a sense of humor about it all where women see no joke. Disappoint a woman enough times in terms of not supporting the logic their ire and see her quickly soon fade into memory. See enough angry women over the decades and see them as a matter of habit no more.
The vacuum eventually produced is the persistent loneliness that one must eventually endure. The rationale behind seeking animal warmth in such circumstances as in the potential of embrace finally breaks down. Get a dog or a cat if you can’t take the absence of same. That’s when the old world of cinema avatars long past have matured with a fatal potency in effecting your life. You just can’t write amidst an illiterate culture that no longer knows how to read. You just can’t love in the midst of those that can only see what’s in it for them alone. Perfume and a bit of lipstick cannot cover that up alone. You have to be able to cover the tab by yourself or you are on your own.
Another holiday and the news from the flat lands appears pretty grim.