I may have made a mess of my life? Something inevitable coming from a natural born misanthrope and habitual refuge from society and it is my own fault! Why try to pin my disappointments on any other? At a certain point in time you have to accept your fate! And deal with the vagaries of what for other people would be a secure tomorrow but for you are looking forward to nothing more than more of the same. A perpetual imbalance and insecurity. God forbid that things go bad, or worse, than you could have ever expected! Given the current state of affairs of the rest of the world that is likely to be oncoming much faster than anyone else can imagine! We are playing with fire here! And already people are becoming burnt. I wonder when my turn is coming? It seems inevitable, though I can’t be absolutely sure?
Those little pricks who thought by the fact of simple self-proclamation, that they were artists! I had been invaded over to there lair by a previous set of the same. But the current set that were holding court to display their ongoing works made a great show of demonstrating just how they did not like me being around! Canvas and bilious string wrapped abominations not to be looked at or heavens not to be touched enshrined within their glaring looks warding off all potential boarders that might cast a hook of doubt as to the pomposity that these things inspired. They shit upon these base platforms and then declared it art! The unconscious drama of my facial features must of belied my lack of appreciation for their attempt at what was too obviously crass craftiness? A kind of bullshit one two punch of intimidation and facade used to ‘sell’ their ‘art‘! Our current time of burgeoning power issues presenting the out growth of problems in general.
A long city street filled with parked cars and parking meters. Well, there was this femme fatale! Beautiful, REALLY BEAUTIFUL ! But rotten to the core. I can’t call how somehow I had gotten mixed up with her? But not that mixed up! I bailed quick. I ran into her boyfriend who was himself an icon of sorts. His features proclaiming an equal degree of masculine beauty. A paragon of masculine perfection, supposedly. Except for one fact. He had had enough of her too! The two of us exchanged a few unkind words in short abrupt sentences pertaining to our mutual experience of being with her. Both of us acknowledging the same. She certainly had made a career of making herself known! Becoming an unpleasant memory to many men who encountered her would never forget. But in time this ongoing reputation would insure that she would be very well be left alone.
I found myself to be part of a trio? Myself, a woman and a Vietnam combat vet. Some former hotshot from a bygone era. We were all together in a storefront where we we intended to rob a bank, or something somewhere. We were going to take some preparatory measure in that store. I asked the woman when we wee alone if we had a few bags of some concrete mix available. Because as far as I was concerned this so called ‘ace’ was going to kill the two of us at the first opportunity so he could go off with the money by himself. So we had to kill him first and fast! I don’t think that she understood that. But that was going to happen. One way or another one or the other two of us would have to go down!
There was a point where there is no going back. Not of your own volition or in terms of your own plans! But because this is the logical conclusion of the path that you have walked for so long! There is no way that the collection of previous circumstances is going to allow you to deviate or back track. You cannot suddenly grow younger when it is not possible. You cannot reconcile your body to reverse the onset of some slowly growing infirmities. You can’t take a bad ticker and instantly revitalize it to a brand new condition. Those are all fantasies that society indoctrinates its own with. The truth is that there is an end to all things and that you will have to live out your life the way that it is. And this end will come in one of a variety of ways that you will not necessarily expect. Most likely not! An unaccustomed slow starvation leading to a steady breakdown of the physical being. The favorite method of those that control society. One day to turn the entire nation into a self-contained concentration camp. Perhaps not one nation alone? But worldwide! And now your own existence becomes a waiting game to see how long you can last. How long can you survive before before you get so weak, and so indifferent from the depression, and all the dispiriting events that seemed to magically occur in the interim? But at that point, you just don’t care anymore! It seems to one that it is a matter of stamina. And my own question to myself is will my remaining stamina be sufficient to outlast this current thing? And possibly regain some lost territory? It is hard to know!
Maybe in terms of my own personal saga is at that point where I am coming to the realization that I have been selfish all my life? I have always followed the inclination to first look inward and never reached out. I have never been really aware of how I affect others. Or interns of comprehending their needs? Or how they truly measure up to me to share the time that I have. Or make a lasting attempt to sublimate myself so as to be a part of their lives. Is that not the definition of being selfish? It is easy to write it off to external phenomena as I have so often done. It being better to ignore other people because it is easier that way. Less muss and fuss! More peace of mind at the end of each day because nothing really changes that way. It’s just more of the same! You don’t stub your toes on other people’s dissatisfaction’s. Or skin your knees upon your own regrets ending up with a perpetual headache from your heart. High points and low points from common experience. Life becomes valuable from what you share. Because over the long term it is a matter of assimilating wealth between people. And that is where I have gone wrong in everything. Someone no longer willing to risk. Not willing to put myself out there come Hell or high water. Or like others, take the hit. Perhaps this sort of knowledge leaves me a coward? Or the smartest man alive! I don’t know?
There was much complaint from those internal to the organization as from those without it. The favoritism shown to some of the employee’s children in terms not necessarily based upon their respective race but certainly as to which group they belonged to. The ‘haves‘, or the ‘have-nots‘! The medical warehouse was stocked full of all manner of goods of every type one could possibly imagine. One’s that any good researcher might find useful. One could walk about the different floors and find all the various combinations of equipment that anyone at all could imagine to put together. Lamp work glass to intricate arcane electrical devices interspersed amidst the many different workers in their white lab coats as they picked and sorting out the new orders. That was the way things worked out in terms of the standard order of operation, especially in the case with children! Inverted by the stain of the issue of favoritism on behalf of a smaller portion of the group. Their ideas seemed to be stilted in terms of giving precedence in a ‘bass ackwards‘ social sense gathering much complaint from many corners of the remaining portion of society.
It has been said that in one’s own life there are three most important watersheds in their existence. Rites of passage, or points determining life! The first being when you are born. When you marry! And that immediate time that signals your approaching end. Perhaps these events along with certain intervening others harbinger the some total of it. Something in terms of your own growing conclusions where you find that have had enough of of life, it has had enough of you! This situation leading to the circumstance wherein a less distant reliable future will see your own end consummated by simple choice on your part. This is why one must be particularly careful about what sort of mindset or type of choices made one has committed themselves to avoid that inevitable slow spiral down into dissolution. And from that point become just another dusty set of records lost in a demographic of others that have been lost to the same. Faceless and only marginally important as part of a meaningless statistic that doesn’t address the fact that the desire to find success in a world where one is no longer valued as an individual becomes a frustrating, thankless, meaningless task daily at hand.
How many late evenings in a row can one awake past midnight amidst the bewitching hour feeling no sense of art or magic within to address the fact of these sorts of situations aside from that irrepressible angst come of another serial episode within a nocturnal somnambulant drama? A type that of itself one cannot fathom why they might find themselves immersed within? Scenarios with such places and such characters doing such unexpected things that one would never expect to be within? Is this a long lost precursor of what has been or what is about to be? A reconciliation!
There is another side, perhaps one lingering to the right or wrath that expects the unexpected. Some loud raucous incident that will occur and so shock one to the point that they find themselves completely disarmed and helplessly vulnerable to it before being swept away into the void. And then there is a scenario that involves a realization that one has been ignoring the truth of things for so long that in terms of their actual physical condition along with failing relations with the rest of society that they find themselves on the outs with both. And as such, is forced to contemplate how much longer that they can go on before that final confrontation that leaves one short? Near to total isolation amidst the near proximity of one’s fellow human beings seeming to be a popular theme. The paucity of once former friendships now long withered by neglect leaving one to emotionally starve. That fickle rule of law congealed by an overbearing society imposing further pressure upon one’s already mounting level of distress. Consider nails worn raw from scraping across glass making no noise that others might hear. That, a terrible display of despair! Worse yet, the same portrayed on a mirror where one must suffer the angst of their own terror and sorrow!
Some people change seamlessly according to the shifting direction of their times. Other cannot but must fight to keep their sanity. Holding on to what little remains in spite of all the rest who would so willingly give it up for a few crumbs and then see it bulldozed over. I assume that I must be one of those? One says the word, “Help!” And you see them stumbling to their knees in some utterly incurable condition. One that is contagious! And no doubt mortally catching to you. Do you hurry away from this poor wretch and forget the fact of his presence as expeditiously as you can. Or do you try to anonymously call some agency tasked with this sort of service? Is it on your head one way or another as far as the outcome of such a wretch? And much later, now in bed by yourself, are you truly affected by that earlier experience in terms of suddenly finding yourself reliving this forgotten victim’s role?