Too often one thinks of their life traveling amidst absolutes in terms of our dealings. Doing something to the best of the ability one has or loving someone completely without reservation. Seeing our own personal sense of Utopia’s in terms of being full and complete. But in our actual everyday realities that is not how we truly see things in the world around us. About those that we know! We like them. We hate them. We don’t understand them. They are a mystery to us! And as such, we struggle along obsessed with them, not so much as what they are but what they might really be. How they might please us. How things might be brought along to a conclusion. All in a portion! A percentage! A pro! And a con! Are they satisfactory? Brought hopefully to conclusion according to our own inconceivable ever ambitious dreams.
I went with friends first to a store. Actually, now that I recall it, I was a bum! I was indigent in the city. And someone had dropped me off there after I had a tif with them or something. They getting arrogant about the stated fact of them having all this money and I having none. They dropped me off at a photo store and I bought a film camera. I paid for it put it down, and then walked away from the counter and when I returned my camera was gone. So all were now gone save for one person standing their looking through a sheaf of photographs. I went to the manager who questioned the guy who in turn said he didn’t do it. And I believed him and kind of apologized. And then I went to this restaurant that was run by this black woman as well as someone else that I vaguely recalled from way back. But I couldn’t really remember her name too well? And a party started as I was sitting there next to her table and I wanted to make conversation. But I had her picture. An eight by ten! A picture of four women, of which she was one of them, but I didn’t know this person’s name. I didn’t want to ask her given the party and this being her place. But I was a little bit attracted to her. She was a good looking gal!
Everything was Gypsy! There was a piece of land that was under contention by two opposing forces that went in there. My own group had to recite an incantation the last line significant of insuring that we would take precedence over other groups. And then, at the end of the speech, we would have to say it once again to make sure it right. To make sure we said it loud when we left so that we could come back without any misfortune.
I was on a train traveling to Paris. I had decided that I wanted to have sex again. I wanted to be in love again. I damn near imagining it happening! But now I was on the train. And the train was also my studio and there were all kinds of people on it. And it seemed that everyone within the car had gotten wet clothes. And they laid them out to dry on the seats. And I did the same. I had space in the back of the car along with a few other people with seats along either side. And once more I went on to dream even though I was wide awake. Dreaming of being in love. My humble clothing was spread about. So much so that they were embarrassing to look at. Before I woke up, I passed by one seat I knocked into a woman’s frock dislodging it upon the floor. A long elegant floor length gown from decades before. I carefully picked it up and draped it back over the seat. The woman that it belonged to now somewhere on another car. The incident providing further embarrassment. I didn’t want to be responsible for soiling her garment. The train was nearing the station and I tried to put my own garments away but I was so sleepy! The fear of not having my valise packed by the time we were in the station driving me into a mental frenzy of despair. It made me feel unprepared and naked!
Now awake, I took a shower. I stood dripping wet in the tub. I needed a towel. The towel I should have used was on the floor from the other day. But I grabbed a clean one. It was clean. Too clean! I felt that I was too dirty to use it. I thought about my ex-wife. I thought hard about the fact that I had loved her but I did not need her. But without that need there could be no lasting love between us. We weren’t really in love!
I had awakened at five A.M. I went into the other room feeling groggy needing sleep but I was unable to rest. I sat down naked upon the chair and watched the rest of a movies about obsession and love. A french film filled with morose unlikely characters. Realizing that from that perspective being in love had nothing to do with liking somebody. It is the obsession, the need, the want, the incomprehensible that no one can explain! Not to themselves! Not to others, that determines the fate of the relationship. And so I staged back to bed and lay naked once more trying to sleep. My arm over the covers. My shoulders uncustomary bare to the chill of morning air steaming through the open window. And I began to dream the dream that I had explained being unexpectedly upon a train. It’s course as traveled upon the tracks being a creation of my own will. The train hurtling past episodes of my life as I tried to understand my mistakes. Trying to find a way to repair them. Find, find, a way to find! A way to make love again. To want to. To need to.